John 14:12

"I tell you the truth anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.  He will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father."

This is going to be a leap!

 I was shredding old journals the other day.  I had a box of them in the attic going back 20 years.  The box came down out of the attic so I could do something with the old journals, but it has been sitting on the living room floor for several months!  I decided I was tired of looking at that box, that I probably wasn't ever going to do anything with the writing in it, and that I wasn't going to be having access to an industrial strength shredder anytime soon.  So I took several spiral notebooks and began tearing out pages, feeding them into the blades of our own little shredder.  I stopped to read here and there just to be sure I was ready to destroy what I had in my hand.

It was very interesting going back to 1992.  I allude to my past a lot in this blog - to the progress of my healing and to how far I've come in my knowledge of God in His three persons.  I was surprised at what I have forgotten -- and yet that's good.  I'm glad that I don't live with reminders of all that struggle and hurt in the present, but also glad that I was led to look at some of what I was recording in 2005.  I haven't finished shredding, but that particular time period was pretty remarkable and I am so thankful I was led to read some of it again.

"the Lord turns my darkness into light"

I saw passages of writing done with my left hand which were an attempt to hear from myself as a small child.  And I read touching exchanges with God as the Holy Spirit counseled me with truth.  Someone reading this might wonder if that could be real.  I wasn't sure either, in the beginning, but conversing with the Wonderful Counselor through writing became a powerful tool in my healing.  As I read I was amazed at how meaningful and not of me the exchanges were.  I am totally convinced that God met me in this way with great love and infinite patience.  I remember that at times His responses were puzzling, but if we kept "talking" amazing things would emerge and I was marveling all over again at the greatness of having a relationship with God!  I recall times when I didn't get an answer I could understand right away, and just sitting with it would bring illumination and blessing.

My take-away from this experience of remembering and shredding was some appreciation of how deep we went to get the foundation of my life established on solid truth.  I honestly did not remember how much self-hatred and rejection I had stored up, but it was there along with the faulty reasoning behind it.  Because of the lie that I had to be perfect and meet every (perceived) expectation to be loved, I was committed to covering up every flaw.  Any part of me that wouldn't serve that agenda had to be silenced and buried.  Even having grief over moving so many times was threatening to my safety as I saw it.

 balance and peace in a Japanese garden

Then today as I was reading John 14 in my Bible, verse 12 stood out -- "...anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.  He will do even greater things than these..."  I am a prayer minister at my church.  I know that God wants me to help others with the help I have received.  I have come to the place where my confidence rests on Jesus with me and in me.  So what would He like me to know about this promise?

I'm going to be asking just that.  I'm going to meditate on this and perhaps have a conversation with Him about it.  I was also recently drawn to the contrast of Peter in Luke 22:61-62 (where he wept bitterly because he had just denied knowing Jesus 3 times) and in Acts 9:40 (where he prays for the dead woman, Tabitha, and she is raised from the dead).  What does the Lord want us to know and believe?  What is it about faith in Jesus that enables us to do greater things than He did as a man on the earth?

I think that this feels important to me right now because of this little trip back to see the miraculous things that have happened to make me psychologically whole.  I have just been reminded of how much faith in Jesus has already done for me and in me.  I wonder how much is possible for Him to do through me if I have the faith he speaks of.