An Example

Last time I blogged about how an unclear view of God hinders our trust and how we can be set free to know Him and obey Him when hurt places in our hearts are healed.  Today, I want to share a recent example of how this happened to me.

My dear husband, Dan, who was introduced in a past blog, lost his job about 3 years ago.  He is a CPA and left a national firm to work for one of his client’s about 15 years ago so that he could spend more time at home as our daughter was growing up.  Then his employer lost the business and Dan had to be let go. 

After much prayer we decided that he would not go back to an accounting firm, but would pursue the desire to have his own CPA practice.  We trusted that God would bring clients and He has done that.  As anyone who is self-employed knows, it takes many hours of investment to establish the business, and for us it is taking a long time to replace what we lost and restore the income we once had.  That is the background for what happened.

One morning this week my day began with awareness of the many repairs that are needed in our almost 50 year old home.  These have been on hold for longer than I care to admit.  They are used by the enemy regularly to tempt me to worry – and he often succeeds.

is danger lurking below the surface?

I had a friend who was afraid of being sick because any little thing sent her mind racing ahead to all the terrible possibilities.  In two or three leaps of “faith” she could see herself on the gurney rolling down the corridors of the hospital nearing death’s door.  I have a similar scenario that jumps up to grab my peace involving our house and not being able to fix it or sell it to move somewhere smaller and less expensive.

On this day I also remembered that my credit card had been declined the day before.  At the time I simply used a different one, but now that small thing was triggering ominous forebodings.  I could feel myself sliding downward into fear of the future.

This is where good habits kicked in.  I have learned not to try to figure it out myself.  I have learned not to shame myself for being crazy.  I have learned not to deny or “stuff” the feelings.  What I have learned to do is run straight to the Lord! 

thorny places... yet a garden

I grabbed a pen and a scrap of paper and concentrated on what I was feeling, as unpleasant as that was.  Because I have practiced this so much over many years of healing from depression and anxiety, I know how to listen to my soul and to God.  I wrote “fear of not being provided for” and “fear sudden BAD changes”.  This wasn’t an intellectual assessment of my “problem” but a description of how I felt.  It can help to realize where seemingly irrational feelings come from, but it isn’t a prerequisite to receiving from the Lord.  The important thing is going to Him in the midst of your conflict or trouble. 

I prayed to the Lord, expressing my faith that He was listening and knew what was going on with me.  I asked Him why I was afraid of sudden change and not being taken care of or provided for right now at the beginning of this day.  I asked because all of my good sense, not to mention my faith, should be telling me that I am blessed, secure, and fine.  I was reminded, in my mind, of fears I have faced with the Lord before – of being new at all the schools I moved to, of not having anyone who told me I was going to be okay, of seeing my father be unemployed, our car traded in for what we called the “junker” and many other similar things. 

lost?

My mind was thinking, “this isn’t new”.  But being in kindergarten at a new school in Los Angeles and not knowing which bus to get on to go home came to mind.  I was afraid I wouldn’t get home, and this place was so new and so big.  I wasn’t even sure where I lived!  I had no friends to ask.  I didn’t know where my teacher was.

It is at this point, as a prayer minister, that we ask the person to see if they sense Jesus in the picture of what they are remembering.  I silently asked Jesus if he was there and if he would help me.  This is what I heard in my heart and wrote on my scrap of paper:  “What if I go to school with you?  And go with you to lunch, and coming home, and never leave your side for the rest of your life?”  WOW!

Our Father designed this!

No matter how many times I go to the Lord and no matter how little my expectations might be, He always surprises me!  This was more than I could ask or think at the time.  If you look at it scripturally, it’s not such a surprise.  I ‘know’ Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  I know his very name means “God with us”.  But this was so personal!  He spoke this to a scared little girl and to a grown up girl who still struggles with knowing a Father who abundantly provides and loves to comfort her.

Because I was connected in the spirit with Jesus I knew that the One who is in charge of the entire universe was offering and promising to go with me holding my hand everywhere for the rest of my life!  I needed to take time to consider how this could change my perceptions of myself in the world and of the world itself!  This is the power of an encounter with the Lord.

Perhaps you are wondering if it has made a difference to me.  Yes, it has.  Later that very day I was able to initiate a conversation with someone close to me who had withdrawn in our relationship.  I was able to listen without defensiveness, share with honesty, and see our conflict resolved.  The Lord used this conversation to convict me with gentleness and help me know more about someone that I love very much.  It has resulted in seeing how to pray for this person more effectively.  

I still must remind myself of Jesus’ presence, but I am able to see choices I can make because it is true.  I am turning to the Lord in greater confidence that I can wait to see how He will provide for some immediate practical things.  It also gave me the courage to speak up in a group of people who have been intimidating in the past.

I have seen and believe that any amount of truth that replaces the lies and distortions of the enemy results in a cascade of new thinking and opens new possibilities.  I know God has more to say to us personally than we can ever imagine or think.  He’s inviting us to ask Him!