Who I am

"...you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls..." Is. 58:12

This has been a hard week.  I've been preoccupied with how badly I've reacted emotionally to things.  When this happens to me, I usually end up praying for the real source of my struggling to be revealed.  I have learned, for me, that pain comes forth as a road map to finding the lies I have believed somewhere in my heart.  It is important to weed out these lies because they contradict the truth of God's love and they sabotage my experience of God's presence and the good life I've come to experience in Jesus Christ. (!!)

Searching out the source of emotional pain has been very important in my life because of the way I denied my feelings in the past and became divorced from my own self.  I've come to realize that I didn't deal with them because they were too much for me at the time.  Now that I know who God is and what Jesus has done for me, I want to live out of that truth, not the old disappointment and shame and insecurity that I worked so hard to cover up.  Whenever I ask, I am shown.

another woman Jesus loved

The outcome of my prayers for God to reveal what was really going on this time led to something I didn't expect.  What came into my mind was that I am not "Eve", banished from the Garden when sin entered the world.  But I am "Mary" who recognized the risen Jesus outside the tomb when He called her by name (read chapter 20 of the book of John in the Bible for the whole story).

I am not the cast out one, but the one that He knows and loves.

When I sense something like this from the Spirit, I try to put words to what I'm apprehending.  It helps me to grab a hold and get it into my mind and heart so that the wispy fragile thought doesn't disappear like a whiff in the breeze.  The words that I hurried to write down, each one coming with more conviction, giving the spiritual revelation substance were these:  He knows me.  He loved me before He came; before He died.  And He rose.  He did it for me.  God's plan went ahead of me.  When it came my turn to be born into sin, He had it all planned that I would be redeemed and know him.  I was not rejected or forgotten or lost to him.  He saved me.

glimpses of more life

As I was contemplating this, I recalled how much I was comforted by watching The Waltons on TV when I was in my late 20's and early 30's.  It was an old show in re-runs but new to me, and I loved the warm family and community relationships portrayed on that show.  Their world was a nice place to "go".  I also used to love watching 911 emergency shows where two EMT's would go out on calls from their fire station to help injured people in distress and save them.  More recently old re-runs of Without a Trace captivated me for some time.  That show tells stories of dedicated FBI agents who do what it takes to track down people who have disappeared and are in danger.

You get the theme!  Even though I live like a fairly competent, semi-normal person, my heart was longing to be rescued and saved from feeling lost, alone, hurt, helpless, and afraid.  Even though it hurts, this pursuit of the truth that sets me free is worth it in every way.  I want everything that God says He has given to me, and given to everyone who believes.  I have to venture into some messy places, but life gets richer and fuller and more worth it!

"...sorrow and sighing will flee away..." Is. 51:11

I think it takes a strong belief in what God says to pursue life in this way.  You have to really want it.  I can't take credit for my choices in that regard though I know I do have to choose.  If anyone chooses to allow God to transform them from the inside out, He will do it.

I've known people who will do anything to avoid feeling their pain, but I think that is sad.  For through this process I've become very very grateful that I was born and that I have this life to live.  It wasn't always so, but now it is.