What's the point?

One of the really wonderful things that happens when you have a relationship with God via the Holy Spirit, is that you find that He opens your eyes to reality that you didn't see before.  That has been happening to me more and more.

I have found that many things I thought I knew about Christianity and being a Christian, were things that I merely agreed with and accepted as true.   I didn't know them personally or experience them as reality. 

sometimes things are just not clear yet...

When I began to experience problems I couldn't solve I saw that there was something missing in my faith.  But just seeing that I needed a personal relationship with God and power to trust Him with what I couldn't handle, wasn't changing anything. 

That's when I began to wonder if I was really saved, or if God was closer to other people than to me because He liked them better, or because they did things "right" that I wasn't doing.  It was a difficult time.

But even though it looked like I was stuck, God was hearing my prayers and He showed me through others that I needed to know Him and receive His love.  It makes sense.  You don't suddenly have a deep relationship with a stranger just because you think you are supposed to!  I began to ask God to reveal to me that He did love me.  I concentrated on verses in the Bible that told of His love and what He had already done for me.  I began to know it was true for me as well as true in general.

I remember receiving prayer ministry by a team at church and asking them how I was supposed the keep feeling better when life happens.  A very wise brother said that it was God's presence with me that was the answer, not something I could do in times of need.

"And he will be their peace...." Micah 5:5

I am so excited that I am discovering that for myself.  It is the presence of God that is peace and is joy.  More specifically, it is the life of Jesus in me.  He said "my peace I give you" (John 14:27).   Jesus is peaceful in every circumstance.  He is the source of any peace that I experience.  It truly is peace that passes all understanding, because it isn't in my mind or even my emotions.  It is my spirit connected inseparably with the Holy Spirit (which is Jesus' spirit) that is full of peace and enjoyment of life.

Understanding this took me away from my idea of a technique or formula that would work for me.  It reminds me that it is all about that personal relationship God wants with us. Christianity isn't a set of doctrines (though we have them), but truly a relationship with our Creator and Father and Savior and Lord.

What is the point of this spiritual relationship?

making... progress...!

I have to admit that it seemed to be the answer to my need to have life work better for me.  I was relieved that freedom from depression or anxiety was my new normal.  I was thrilled with the satisfaction I was experiencing in day to day life.  I was delighted to escape fear of situations that were very sad or troubling.  I enjoyed making choices in my response instead of living as a victim of circumstances.  All these things are good and I desperately wanted them.  They are abundant life, to me.  But I've recently seen something more.

The point is not finding a way to control my life better through better responses.  It is to know God.  That's the whole point!    Knowing God is what we are made for!  I know I haven't been tested to the max, but it is clear to me that God's presence with me is the difference.  It doesn't feel like it matters what comes along in the future, or what the outcome will be, so much as it matters that I am not alone or on my own in it.  It doesn't seem as important to know why something is happening--or not happening--as it is to know that God will never leave me or forsake me.

"you will fill me with joy in your presence,"  (Psalm 16:11)

God is not distant and He is real.  His presence is more real than what I see and touch.  His presence alters my sense of reality and I am astounded at His goodness.  It makes me want to love Him back --to enjoy Him for who He is, not just for what He can do.  It also fuels my passion for bringing others into intimacy with Him.  He is so wanting to love on us!  It is my source of complete confidence in prayer for others.  He really wants us to be led into wholeness and filled with His love!

The whole point is love.  That's it.  He loves us and we get to overflow with it to others!  Wouldn't that change the world?

Who I am

"...you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls..." Is. 58:12

This has been a hard week.  I've been preoccupied with how badly I've reacted emotionally to things.  When this happens to me, I usually end up praying for the real source of my struggling to be revealed.  I have learned, for me, that pain comes forth as a road map to finding the lies I have believed somewhere in my heart.  It is important to weed out these lies because they contradict the truth of God's love and they sabotage my experience of God's presence and the good life I've come to experience in Jesus Christ. (!!)

Searching out the source of emotional pain has been very important in my life because of the way I denied my feelings in the past and became divorced from my own self.  I've come to realize that I didn't deal with them because they were too much for me at the time.  Now that I know who God is and what Jesus has done for me, I want to live out of that truth, not the old disappointment and shame and insecurity that I worked so hard to cover up.  Whenever I ask, I am shown.

another woman Jesus loved

The outcome of my prayers for God to reveal what was really going on this time led to something I didn't expect.  What came into my mind was that I am not "Eve", banished from the Garden when sin entered the world.  But I am "Mary" who recognized the risen Jesus outside the tomb when He called her by name (read chapter 20 of the book of John in the Bible for the whole story).

I am not the cast out one, but the one that He knows and loves.

When I sense something like this from the Spirit, I try to put words to what I'm apprehending.  It helps me to grab a hold and get it into my mind and heart so that the wispy fragile thought doesn't disappear like a whiff in the breeze.  The words that I hurried to write down, each one coming with more conviction, giving the spiritual revelation substance were these:  He knows me.  He loved me before He came; before He died.  And He rose.  He did it for me.  God's plan went ahead of me.  When it came my turn to be born into sin, He had it all planned that I would be redeemed and know him.  I was not rejected or forgotten or lost to him.  He saved me.

glimpses of more life

As I was contemplating this, I recalled how much I was comforted by watching The Waltons on TV when I was in my late 20's and early 30's.  It was an old show in re-runs but new to me, and I loved the warm family and community relationships portrayed on that show.  Their world was a nice place to "go".  I also used to love watching 911 emergency shows where two EMT's would go out on calls from their fire station to help injured people in distress and save them.  More recently old re-runs of Without a Trace captivated me for some time.  That show tells stories of dedicated FBI agents who do what it takes to track down people who have disappeared and are in danger.

You get the theme!  Even though I live like a fairly competent, semi-normal person, my heart was longing to be rescued and saved from feeling lost, alone, hurt, helpless, and afraid.  Even though it hurts, this pursuit of the truth that sets me free is worth it in every way.  I want everything that God says He has given to me, and given to everyone who believes.  I have to venture into some messy places, but life gets richer and fuller and more worth it!

"...sorrow and sighing will flee away..." Is. 51:11

I think it takes a strong belief in what God says to pursue life in this way.  You have to really want it.  I can't take credit for my choices in that regard though I know I do have to choose.  If anyone chooses to allow God to transform them from the inside out, He will do it.

I've known people who will do anything to avoid feeling their pain, but I think that is sad.  For through this process I've become very very grateful that I was born and that I have this life to live.  It wasn't always so, but now it is.